The Ugly Truth, Pivoting at 53
My Midlife Pivot Day 1
It’s 5 am — I’m filled with dread as I stumble down the poorly lit stairs to my home office… I don’t want to do this — but I must… I need to flip on the camera and record a vlog to announce my epic failure to the world.
The sadness is heavy; the pain is real, and it’s pitch black, both outside the window and in my head.
There’s constant chatter in my brain that I can’t turn off asking, “What the F@ck have I done?”
Backstory
But before I tell you more, let’s step back to a happier time for a moment. I’m a Canadian who moved to Thailand four years ago with my husband and a simple dream — To create a life we love. So how did I get here?
I had worked in a senior management role for a CEO with poor leadership skills for five years…. I was miserable… one day, about a month after returning from a holiday to Thailand, I had a tough day at the office and went home demoralized again.
I asked myself a familiar question I had asked 1,000 times before
“Why do I need this job?” but the conversation took a new path this time.
“I need it to pay for this house.”
“True, but why do I need this house?”
I realized I had this house to store all my “stuff” and I could choose something else….
A significant paradigm shift happened when a new question emerged,
“What would happen if I got rid of the house and the stuff?”
That question changed my life!
With my husband’s support, we hatched an eight-month plan to divest ourselves from our stuff and move full-time to Thailand.
As he was 63, he would take early retirement.
But since I was only 48, I would need to develop a revenue source that would be our primary income and based on the opening of this post; you can guess that hasn’t gone as planned.
Death
I gave it my best shot, but three days ago, we made the difficult decision to call it quits.
My Thailand-based start-up dream is DEAD, and if I’m candid, I’m freaking out. These are not feelings I’m accustomed to having. Besides the crushing sense of embarrassment and failure, there is something more profound, rawer.
I think it’s fear. Fear that I’ve risked too much;
Fear that I can’t fix this;
Fear that I’ve destroyed my husband’s golden years.
For the last few days, I’ve been trying to distract myself by analyzing the why and how, when I’m not beating myself up with self-loathing questions like “What have I done?”; “What was I thinking?” and “How did I think I could pull that off?”. My marketing mind wants to whitewash the experience and slap on a sexy headline, “Pivot again in midlife and thrive.”
I’m finding little comfort in most of the quotes from my google search on failure.
Until this one resonates with me:
“What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?” — John Green
Being stopped is a very uncomfortable place for me.
I take another breath and decide it’s time to get moving.
Plan
So in the dawn, I start to craft a plan to find a new path. I’m giving myself 100 days to pivot.
It will be a bit complicated this time.
The reality is
· I’ve burned through most of our savings,
· I have accumulated significant debt,
· Our visas are linked to the start-up, so there are many hoops to get new visas and stay in Thailand.
· And the little savings we have left are not enough to return to Canada and re-establish our lives.
Sigh…
For encouragement, I think of this Zig Ziglar’s quote:
“It’s not how far you fall but how high you bounce that counts.”
I have some ideas for a few new online business concepts I could try in North America.
But rightfully so, hubby is nervous… the hard truth is he is more than a little worried. His words still haunt me, “I’ve been scared to death for quite a while now.”
After almost 30 years together, I know my priority must be to eliminate his fear and find a way to make him feel “safe” again, as he is not an entrepreneur. Remembering my promise to him when we embarked on this crazy adventure, we agree:
I need to generate an income, clear the debt, and rebuild our resources before trying something entrepreneurial that requires our capital again.
As daylight streams through my office windows, my optimism surges, “No problem, I’m resourceful.” Then a little reality sneaks in as that self-loathing part of me recalls the apparent hurdles to overcome:
Jobs for foreigners in Thailand are difficult to find, and there are very few where I live…
I’ve not applied for a job in over 25 years.
I’m turning 53 next month — some might think a bit old for a “digital nomad” gig.
Although I have many skills, most of them don’t easily transition to online opportunities.
So, where do I go from here? Thanks to this Denis Waitley quote, I’m finding some perspective:
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker.
Failure is delay, not defeat.
It is a temporary detour, not a dead end.
Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.”
Denis Waitley
Rebirth — The 100 Day Pivot
I’m giving myself 100 days to work through the options and pivot to a life I love
I plan to blog about my journey along the way in full detail.
My goal is to:
· find solutions to overcome the hurdles and generate an income,
· have my husband feeling safe and,
· bounce back higher to live a life we love.
As I’ve been writing this, I’m very aware I’m not the only one who is experiencing failure or setbacks. Thanks to Covid and other current events, many people woke up this morning with a similar fate. Their plans are not working, and they need to pivot their lives.
I’m sharing this very personal journey with those facing a pivot. If you are looking to bounce back, please follow along and hopefully, there will be a few nuggets in my triumphs and setbacks to help you navigate your pivot.
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